what's up, livejournal?
things are changing for me a lot lately. i'm trying to ... well, i guess the best way i can put it is that i'm trying to figure out who i am. i know a lot about me, and i know what i want for the most part, but i'm not sure how to put those things together to really solidify me as a person. i've been so negative about life for so long, it's hard to change the way i see things. but, now i'm 27 years old and as i look back, as much as i want to only see all the terrible things that have happened in my life, i keep telling myself to look at what i have now. my life isn't perfect, no one's ever is, and i know that all too well. but i have a home, and a job, and a vehicle. there's food in the kitchen. i have family and friends and good husband who loves me. not to mention all the fuzzy kitties. it's hard for me, to live in the present. on the first day of summer, i took out all my old high school journals and notebooks and some pictures and burned them. it felt really good. there's things in my past that still haunt me, and i need to learn to live in the present. the things that have happened have already happened. the people that hurt me already hurt me. it can't happen again. he can never hurt me again. he's no longer a part of my life. it's so hard to forgive, and even more difficult to forget...but i'm going to try. ryan and i want to start a family. i can't allow myself to do what my parents did to me and my siblings - what they still do to this day. i can't let the pain that i've been through be carried on the shoulders of my children and my husband. i need to learn how to stay here in reality when the shit hits the fan. i can't just detach like i'm so accustomed to doing. detaching from reality when you have a child to take care of is so negligent. i don't want my kids to feel the guilt my parents made me feel. i don't want them to have to watch me slowly become more and more sad, more and more detached, and more and more hopeless. i can't do that. and the only way i can think of to change the way my life is, is to actually focus on here and now. the only problem there is how difficult it can be for me to focus or stay on track. i always start out optimistic, then i lose interest and the project goes unfinished and the chores get half way done and i'm still here unable to talk to someone when i need to. when i realized the other day, just how incredibly far i've pushed away my friends, it was a bit startling to say the least. i never really wanted it to be that way. i allowed myself to tell myself that it was okay not to call them or at least send them a message, that they were busy with their own lives and that i would just be a bother to them. that's not true at all. jenni's moved out of the county again, and she told me about it, and when she would be leaving, and asked me why i never call her. i didn't have anything to say. i have no excuse. i think about her all the time, almost daily. jenni saved my life once, and now we barely ever talk. that's all on me. i don't like that i've been detached for so long - and that's what it is. i have been so far removed from reality for what seems like years now. every time something happens, i revert inside myself, into the dark places in my head where i can spend time criticizing my faults and hating everything about myself. i've been hidden in the place where i've created like my own little prison, and i sit in the cell and mull over all those things that hurt me, and i hold them close and let them make me feel so small and insignificant. but i need desperately to quit that habit. i want a better life for me and my husband. i want to know that my problems aren't causing problems across the board in all of my relationships. i've spent a lot of time around my mom lately. it's like she's lost hope. she's worse and worse every time i see her. she is completely shrouded in negative energy. she won't even allow herself to enjoy what life has given her - she's too obsessed with what it's taken away from her. she's nearly 60 years old, and though i thought she could never be more sad than she was when we were kids, she really is. i do not want to become that. i don't want my kids to resent me because i've pushed all of my guilt and anxiety and pain onto their shoulders. i don't want to lose hope. all i have is this on life, and i don't want to spend the rest of it wishing i could live it. i don't want to make my husband hate me because i can't talk to him about things that upset me until he says some minor thing that sets me off. my life is so good, compared to 4 years ago, that it's almost silly to still think the way i do. i'm sabotaging my own life. i don't understand why i do it. i remember so well when everything seemed to make the most sense to me....i remember when i knew what i needed to do in order to be happy. i remember when it was all so fucking clear to me....but instead of embracing it fully as i should have, i spent all my energy on trying to make myself believe that my life was okay - i spent all my energy on deluding myself with alcohol and drugs...i just shut down. i gave up. and because of it, i still suffer from all those things that i could have dealt with way back when. now here i am, wanting to change, wanting to believe in life, and it's so hard for me because i have all that from the past that i've ignored for FOREVER still waiting to be dealt with. it's so fucking hard to get over things, and it doesn't need to be. all i need to do is look around and see all the good that is in my life. there's SHIT TONS of it. and for some reason, i still have to remind myself of it. it's sad.
how do you break the cycle of negativity that you've been in since...well, for as long as you can remember?