as time goes by...
i'm trying to get a grip on some way to deal with ADD. i have learned to accept that i have it -matter of fact, knowing that it's not MY fault that i'm such a fuck-up has truly made a difference in my mood, as well as my day-to-day stuff. this website: flylady.net has also given me new hope that i can control my home. i have started to make "daily goals" instead of "to-do" lists - it's nice to be able to feel like i've accomplished something when i cross something off the list.
ryan and i have entered a new stage in our relationship. we discovered that for the last 4yrs we have been the victims of a serious misunderstanding. when we first got together..i think it was our first week...i told him one night that i needed physical affection to feel loved and acceptance, since it was something i rarely received growing up. he told me "i hate it when someone wants to hang all over me, it makes me want to push them away" which i immediately interperated, in my fragile state of mind, as "DO NOT TOUCH ME." so i didn't. and he assumed i didn't touch him because i didn't want to, as well as wanting to give me time to heal from my wounds from fuckface. for a few days he was hardly eating, not sleeping and barely saying a word to me. i decided to nut up and ask him what was wrong. he told me that he was feeling "neglected" and hurt because of my total lack of affection, but didn't want to bring it up on the occasion that i might flip. i understood. sometimes i'm super crazy and i freak about the most rediculous things. then i told him what was keeping me from doing it, and he said "so...this WHOLE time it's just been this MASSIVE misunderstanding?? how fucked up is that. we need to work on our communication." -- he was SO right. as a result, that's precisely what we've been doing. although i still have my issues with opening up about things, he has told me that i can do what i do best, and write it out for him to look at. this has worked WONDERS for us. we have been more talkative and affectionate in the last 2wks. than we have been for the lot of our relationship. i have been trying to be better at listening - after explaining to him about ADD (which i kept from him because i thought he would think i was being rediculous) and how difficult it can be for me to pay attention to things, and how easy it was for me to get offended by something because of my inability to comprehend intonation and body language, he has been much better about making sure i was "all there" for the duration of the talk. little things like asking me to repeat what he just said, or asking me if i understood what he said and if i tell him i did asking me to tell me what i thought he meant by it has made a BIG difference. i feel like we can talk again. it's still VERY difficult for me to bring up things - a lot of the time because when i try to transfer the information from brain to mouth, it gets mixed up and jumbled together with all my random thoughts and daydreaming and it makes me so mad i just shut up altogether. i have learned to use my .."jitters" is the only word i can think of right now to describe it.. i've learned to use it to help me pay attention to what's going on. it's not fool-proof, i still miss out on things more often than not. but it's made a difference, and that's what is important.
my next step is to get out there in reality and check out what's happening. i know i suck at communicating, and as a result my relationships across the board have suffered. i avoid calling people because i worry that i'll get too excited and ramblerambleramble and just confuse & amuse whomever happens to be listening. but i want to try to get away from that. i've completely alienated jenni because of that, and if it weren't for the fact that melissa has known me FOR.EV.ER., i wonder if she and i would still talk!
anyway, things they are a changin', and all seems well in my life for the first time in many years. here's to hope for the future!!