so yeah, i went out for coffee slash dollar store fun times with melissa and lydia a couple weeks ago. it was nice to get out, and it was nice to spend time with her. all i have to do now is remember to call her every once in a while!
i have been thinking so hard about going back to cosmetology school. i'm at the point where i really feel like i need to do something with this life of mine. i LOVED it when i went back in high school. it was the only class i got A's in. i thought that since i flunked out of high school i wouldn't be able to continue, but apparently that wasn't true. cosmetology is something i actually felt passionate about at one time. it's a productive way to use my creative energy, and it makes people feel good about themselves. i really want to go to Regency Beauty Institute, but i don't know what kind of financial aid they have. i know i could probably go to Mott for damn near free, but i don't think they offer as much as Regency does. i also REALLY like their classroom set-up and reward program, and from what i read on their website they even have people from professional salons come in and watch the class. i know if i could go through with it i could potentially have to deal with a lot of people i don't generally get along with, and it would be really hard work for me. but i also know that this is an area where i could almost always find work, and if nothing else i could cut hair in my house. i really really want to do it, but i'm afraid. i'm worried that it won't be a good idea with me being the only one working right now. i only work part time as it is, and if i had to take a cut in my hours we would be royally screwed. i'm scared that i'd fail at it, too. i've failed so many things, and i really wouldn't want this to be one of them.
see, this is where the problem begins. i get a really good idea, one of those awesome potentially life changing decisions, and i start over-analyzing it within seconds of the first thought. then i slowly but surely talk myself out of it. this is why i have missed SO MANY opportunities in life - painting a mural at playland, doing a school christmas shop, all the art fairs i got invites to (honestly most of those i gave up on because they cost so damn much to get in)...there's always a way for me to find a reason not to do something. i'm so good at being self-defeating that i almost do it unconciously i think. this, though, this is something i really want for myself. i can only imagine how good it would feel to complete cosmetology, to know i'm good at something that i can actually make a decent living from. i'm also scared to tell ryan that i don't think it's a good idea until he's able to find work. i don't want him to get mad at me.
meh, there's a lot of stuff in my head about this. i've been thinking about it daily, almost as much as i daydream about moving out of this city, and that is a LOT. sometimes i really feel like Flint is the thing that's holding us back the most.
in other FANTASTIC NEWS:
our basement flooded the worst it ever has since we've lived here. it was HORRIBLE. what is it about winter that always makes shitty stuff happen all at once? ryan's mom has surgery this week, to remove a growth. ryan himself may be suffering from a GI bleed, or an auto immune disease, or worst case scenario...well, i don't even want to say it because then i'll have to think about it.
i'm trying to think positive and keep my head above the water, but it's winter. and it just keeps getting more and more difficult not to worry about money and all sorts of other shit...i really need to get some sunlight.
i've also decided to start trying to make me feel good about myself by looking good on the outside. i splurged and bought some clearance eyeshadow. but i want to be able to feel as good as i look, and the first step in that is to look good. basically i mean i want to start looking more feminine. maybe it's just my ovaries talking (more like bitching and moaning and jerking around in a painful fashion).
i'm thinking about having a small birthday party, but even with the very limited amount of people i intend on inviting (and i'm sure the even smaller amount of people that will actually come) we don't have enough seats and i don't know what we'd eat or drink or entertain ourselves with. of course, i have the next 2 months or so to come up with that. i do know one thing for sure (right now, that is) - it is so going to have a dinorsaur theme. because i'm just that mature.
aww, ryan's snoring...
so last year when we went to chicago for my birthday, ryan lost his baby blanket in the hotel we stayed at. he's been bugging me to make him one ever since, but i really don't remember how to crochet. well, i guess his parent's next door neighbor (the awesome German lady) bought all of ryan's gramma's yarn in their last garage sale, and some of the same yarn used in his original baby blanket was there. she didn't have a lot of it, but with what she did have she made ry a new blankie, and he is really happy. it's been a long time since i've seen him asleep with his arm up over his head, dangling the corner of his blankie on his face.
he is so. fucking. adorable.
oh yeah, and married life? it's just like it was before, only more rewarding. and for some crazy reason, now that we're married, i actually talk to ryan about stuff. he's stuck with me now, haha!
no but raelly, best decision i've ever made for myself was to marry this guy. he's amazing.
i have been listening to a lot of trance lately. mostly in my head, actually. hmm.