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Feb. 11th, 2010

you were layin' on the carpet like you're satin in a coffin

ryan got a job! last night ryan spoor (who just moved out to bay city for his job at Lucky's) called ryan and told him that the dishwasher at the lucky's in davison had quit and if he wanted it had an interview at 8:30. he went and got the job on the spot. he started today at 5pm. he's getting like 30hrs/week. it's minimum wage but it's a job! he's excited, he's been feeling so down not being able to find extra work. he also will have the opportunity to move up from that position. spoor started out as a dishwasher, and now he's basically head cook. it may not be a dream job, but it is a job none the less, which is a MIRACLE in genesee county! this is really going to help us out.
thank you goddess for answering my prayers!!!

just wanted to share that information, later dudes.

Feb. 10th, 2010

are you dead or are you sleeping?

you guys ever spend a while reading older entries? i just did. hmmph.
ryan and i are going to talk to a counselor at mott this week. i got scheduled 5 days off this week. it sucks for my hours, but it makes it possible to get some rest and get some things done.
ryan an i were discussing maslows's pyramid of self-actualization the other day. ryan feels like he's stuck in a rut and i know i have that feeling a lot, too. this pyramid is actually quite a lot like the 7 chakras. in the pyramid, you can't reach the next level until you have fulfilled the needs in the levels below it. with the chakras, you can't align say...your solar plexus chakra if you haven't yet fulfilled the needs of the root chakra. we're on about the 4th level of the pyramid, but we can't move forward because of needs that are lacking in the first two (such as self esteem, homeostasis, security of body, employment and resources, achievement and respect). considering all that, we area doing pretty well but we both know we're capable of more and just knowing that doesn't make it happen. he asked me to be more of a "nagging wife", in the sense that i actually say things to him to get him up and moving around. that's a hard thing for me, it took until he was legally bound to me for me to feel like i could talk to him about a lot of things without pushing him away, and i don't want to end up driving him crazy.
fuck there's a lot of snow out there...
my next door neighbor finally blew up his garage. he was cooking meth in there. ryan had said earlier in the day (this was sunday) that he smelled something strange, but my nose has been so effed up i didn't smell it. about 3hrs late after my sister had come over, we noticed 2 firetrucks and the police and an ambulance (we never heard the sirens, how that happened i don't know). as it turns out the guy was cooking up his fix and it exploded, burned the skin and some muscle off of his hand. he ran away as soon as it happened, so there was no one home and i'm assuming the people behind us called the police or something. the guy ran off to his ex's house, and it took her about 12hrs to talk him into going to the ER. the explosion caught a nice sized chunk of our fence on fire.
i know it may sound bad, but we wished for a moment that it had caught our house on fire. this house is insure for 4 times it's value. as long as we got the kitties out in time, if it had burned down we could have collected the insurance and moved into a new house in a better area. my hatred and disappointment for flint grows with each day. i wish we could get the fuck out of here.
oh and the 2 kids that murdered herb biggs were sentenced to 30yrs in prison (which was a plea)...if they would have been anything other than white, i just know they would have got life. this was a planned murder. it was evil. they deserve life imprisonment.
fucking flint.

Feb. 5th, 2010

they have values of a certain taste..

my eyes burn. well, not really a burn but more of a dry like i'm up at 6am AGAIN. why do i keep doing that?
so my sister's coming over this weekend to help me with college stuff. here's hoping it all works out well and this turns out to be one of the better decisions i've made.

okay, i'd write more, but my eyes can't take it. later.

Feb. 1st, 2010

so she sang...

man, working all these 3-8:30 shifts has completely screwed over my already irregular sleeping patterns. i would say that 11 out of 14 days i have stayed up passed 6am. hello, 7am! how have you been?
ryan's mom's surgery went just fine. she's recovering nicely. ryan went to visit her after she came home and they were talking about him going to school. he had said something about there not being much for grants out there, and his mom (who at this point was all fucked up on anesthesia and vicodin) said "well if you'd go get laura pregnant you could get a pell grant!" - this is TOTALLY out of character for her, and i made sure to save that little nugget to tell her when she's sobered up. usually when i see her she says "you're NOT pregnant, right??" i know if i was she'd be happy for us, but i also know she's thinking the same thing we are - now is just not the time. yeah, i'm 26 and female and i've had a few pangs here and there, but truthfully we would like to be able to plan as much as possible for that. if nothing else, we'd like the birth control to be completely out of my system before we even try, though there are many other reasons. i know, everyone says "you're never ready for kids, it just happens" but if we can control it, we will. so far it's working. maybe when we're both a little more stable - as much financially as physically, mentally and emotionally. the time will come, but it's NOT right now. no way am i getting knocked up for financial aid. i'd like to fuck up my children as little as possible, thanks.
oh and sarah - yeah, still pagan (focusing on gaia and ceridwen). i'd like to celebrate ostara..how would we accomplish this?
also, i think that since you are still "single", you should rally a group of people to celebrate Lupercalia instead of valentine's. all you need is some wolf skin and a jug full of stranger's names. run naked through the streets whipping strangers as you pass! lansing SO needs it :D
my hours have been severely cut. it's that time of year. i have 13 hours next week (ouch) but at least i'm no longer fearing for my job. and why was i fearing for my job? well, last monday when i got to work, ann told me that sunday morning they fired ALL of the Demo Crew and some marketing folk. that's about 45 people in one day. just the other day, though, i looked it up on the internet. apparently sam's club as a whole fired 10,000 demo crew and 1200 marketing associates. they are bringing in an outside agency to do demo's that are more likely to bring in new members, as our membership numbers and sales have suffered greatly in the last year. i still have a job for now, though. thanks for looking out for me, goddess.
and i just learned today that we will more than likely be living in this house for at least another 3 years. ryan's parents are willing to help us make that a bit less painful by helping us make this house more live-able. renovations and what not. ryan spoor is moving out within the next month. he's moving out to bay city where his job is with one of his fellow employees. i'm glad we could help him out, he certainly helped us out with some bills and stuff.
okay, time to force myself to sleep. night/morning all.

Jan. 24th, 2010

i'm deeply disturbed, and i'm deeply happy

i have been listening to a lot of trance lately. mostly in my head, actually. hmm.
so yeah, i went out for coffee slash dollar store fun times with melissa and lydia a couple weeks ago. it was nice to get out, and it was nice to spend time with her. all i have to do now is remember to call her every once in a while!
i have been thinking so hard about going back to cosmetology school. i'm at the point where i really feel like i need to do something with this life of mine. i LOVED it when i went back in high school. it was the only class i got A's in. i thought that since i flunked out of high school i wouldn't be able to continue, but apparently that wasn't true. cosmetology is something i actually felt passionate about at one time. it's a productive way to use my creative energy, and it makes people feel good about themselves. i really want to go to Regency Beauty Institute, but i don't know what kind of financial aid they have. i know i could probably go to Mott for damn near free, but i don't think they offer as much as Regency does. i also REALLY like their classroom set-up and reward program, and from what i read on their website they even have people from professional salons come in and watch the class. i know if i could go through with it i could potentially have to deal with a lot of people i don't generally get along with, and it would be really hard work for me. but i also know that this is an area where i could almost always find work, and if nothing else i could cut hair in my house. i really really want to do it, but i'm afraid. i'm worried that it won't be a good idea with me being the only one working right now. i only work part time as it is, and if i had to take a cut in my hours we would be royally screwed. i'm scared that i'd fail at it, too. i've failed so many things, and i really wouldn't want this to be one of them.
see, this is where the problem begins. i get a really good idea, one of those awesome potentially life changing decisions, and i start over-analyzing it within seconds of the first thought. then i slowly but surely talk myself out of it. this is why i have missed SO MANY opportunities in life - painting a mural at playland, doing a school christmas shop, all the art fairs i got invites to (honestly most of those i gave up on because they cost so damn much to get in)...there's always a way for me to find a reason not to do something. i'm so good at being self-defeating that i almost do it unconciously i think. this, though, this is something i really want for myself. i can only imagine how good it would feel to complete cosmetology, to know i'm good at something that i can actually make a decent living from. i'm also scared to tell ryan that i don't think it's a good idea until he's able to find work. i don't want him to get mad at me.
meh, there's a lot of stuff in my head about this. i've been thinking about it daily, almost as much as i daydream about moving out of this city, and that is a LOT. sometimes i really feel like Flint is the thing that's holding us back the most.
our basement flooded the worst it ever has since we've lived here. it was HORRIBLE. what is it about winter that always makes shitty stuff happen all at once? ryan's mom has surgery this week, to remove a growth. ryan himself may be suffering from a GI bleed, or an auto immune disease, or worst case scenario...well, i don't even want to say it because then i'll have to think about it.
i'm trying to think positive and keep my head above the water, but it's winter. and it just keeps getting more and more difficult not to worry about money and all sorts of other shit...i really need to get some sunlight.
i've also decided to start trying to make me feel good about myself by looking good on the outside. i splurged and bought some clearance eyeshadow. but i want to be able to feel as good as i look, and the first step in that is to look good. basically i mean i want to start looking more feminine. maybe it's just my ovaries talking (more like bitching and moaning and jerking around in a painful fashion).
i'm thinking about having a small birthday party, but even with the very limited amount of people i intend on inviting (and i'm sure the even smaller amount of people that will actually come) we don't have enough seats and i don't know what we'd eat or drink or entertain ourselves with. of course, i have the next 2 months or so to come up with that. i do know one thing for sure (right now, that is) - it is so going to have a dinorsaur theme. because i'm just that mature.
aww, ryan's snoring...
so last year when we went to chicago for my birthday, ryan lost his baby blanket in the hotel we stayed at. he's been bugging me to make him one ever since, but i really don't remember how to crochet. well, i guess his parent's next door neighbor (the awesome German lady) bought all of ryan's gramma's yarn in their last garage sale, and some of the same yarn used in his original baby blanket was there. she didn't have a lot of it, but with what she did have she made ry a new blankie, and he is really happy. it's been a long time since i've seen him asleep with his arm up over his head, dangling the corner of his blankie on his face.
he is so. fucking. adorable.

oh yeah, and married life? it's just like it was before, only more rewarding. and for some crazy reason, now that we're married, i actually talk to ryan about stuff. he's stuck with me now, haha!
no but raelly, best decision i've ever made for myself was to marry this guy. he's amazing.

Dec. 17th, 2009

been dazed and confused for so long it's not true...

yeah, i've been sick lately. real fun. i think it was just a cold, but this morning around 7am and nearly every hour after that, i woke up with the urge to vomit. oh, it was terrible. terrible enough to convince myself to call in to work, which i hate doing because i can't afford it. but, it was either that or go in and spend all my time in the bathroom feeling like death. i felt especially bad, today is stock day and our busiest day of the week. i just wouldn't have been able to handle it.
i have really been wanting to get into the "christmas" spirit. i can't put up a tree with all the cats, they'll break the ornaments and probably climb the tree...PASS. i was thinking that maybe if we have some garland, i could hang that up around the ceiling and hang ornaments from that. we got so many nice ornaments for wedding presents. i might decorate the porch, too. i'm not sure though, because ours would be the only house on our street with decorations up. i don't want to draw any unwanted attention to our house.
i'm supposed to be making something for my dad for christmas. i have no idea what i could make him. i don't want to make something that's just silly. i guess i could maybe make him some food, like fudge or something.
what i'm REALLY bummed about is this is our first christmas being married, and i want to at least get a little something for my husband (it's so fun to say it). just like so many people are, we are hurting for cash. oh, and i just got a notice that my second installment of driver's responsibility fees is due by the thirtieth. what a fucking racket. who the fuck knows how i'm going to pay that. ryan and i had to ask for christmas money early so we could take mars to the vet. he's been coughing and sneezing A LOT. we got him some anti-biotics and some antihistamine. puck got sick, too, so we've been splitting the meds between them and they seem to be getting better. mars was running around a lot earlier, and chasing after me which he hasn't done in a long time.

well, i may or may not update again soon. my brother gave me an old computer, but i haven't bothered setting it up. i've been too busy sitting down.

Nov. 8th, 2009

since July 31st

i'm married now!
not much has changed, but i do feel a stronger connection between us. we were pretty much married anyway.
the ceremony was gorgeous, find pictures on facebook or myspace.
the trip was AWESOME, with some bullshit sprinkled here and there.

as of late i have been doing a great deal of nothing.
maybe i'll do stuff later.

what a pitiful update...

Jul. 31st, 2009

man made me so i could kill.....

good news (FINALLY)
1. I'm transferring to tobacco effective august 7th. more money, less stress!!
2. my wedding dress is paid off!
3. i have a new caseworker, and hopefully she's not as stupid as the last one.

i am SO READY to go back to tobacco. and starting in september i'll probably be getting really good hours, since rachel's going back to school. it's going to be a nice chunk of anxiety lifted off my shoulders. and a 20cent raise at that.
i'm pretty happy about having my dress paid off, too. that's another $90 a month that can go toward a late bill or two. that and it means it's officially MINE!!! i found a REALLY nice ring on walmart.com for Ryan for $48!! it's titanium with a tiny little stone and a gold inscription that says "always (heart w/stone) forever in this really nice looking script. i'm putting that mofo in layaway as soon as i cash my check this week.
and the new caseworker...apparently my last one cancelled all my stuff so i had to re-apply and i have a meeting with the newbie on monday. i know we'll get approved again. i just wish we had food stamps right now....our food situation is not good at the moment.

okay, just wanted to get an update with something positive up. see you next time i get online, livejournal.

Jul. 15th, 2009

all in all is all we are

yeah, so i was a little upset that i found out thru melissa's journal about jenni having her baby. obviously, i didn't expect jenni to call me, she was giving birth to him after all. but have i really been that bad, that no one would physically call me to let me know? i mean, fuck, i know i never answer the phone and i never call anyone anymore, but this is one of those things that that sort of stuff shouldn't matter. my heart was broken. i should have called her, but i still haven't. and everyday for about the last 2 months i've thought about her at least once a day...but i always forget until it's too late to call.
the reason i've been so un-reachable...well, there are many reasons. i've been pretty fucking depressed lately. i have a lot on my plate, and the plate is that styrofoam stuff so it's starting to give way and soon all the shit's going to fall on the floor. i don't care what anyone says - all my friends have kids and husband-ish people to take care of. the last thing they need is me calling and unloading a bunch of depressing stuff on them. i have been seeing a therapist, but i'm not quite comfortable with her yet to really get into some shit. the last time i was there i went 15min. over my time because i was so upset i couldn't stop crying (read: PMS). i barely let the woman get a word in edgewise.

anyway, moving on....
so i'm going to be married in less than three months. my brother is working on the announcements as i type this. i'm pretty much done registering at walmart.com and target.com. i need to lose 10-15lbs in order to properly fit in my dress. i have started working out 4 times a week for half hour intervals, and i'm trying to eat less (which is unfortunately easier since somehow i didn't get my food stamps this month, but that's a story for a day i feel like typing it out). i still need to find a day for my mom and i to go to the craft store and get the material for my blusher veil. she's already started on the other veil. needless to say i am worried sick that she's going to have another episode and my veil's not going to get finished. i still haven't bought ryan's ring, we still don't have his tux reserved, we still need to send the list of music and flowers we want (which i just remembered today, fucking awesome) and i still have to figure out precisely what i'll be doing with my hair. i've got a good general idea, but i need to make sure that i know EXACTLY what i want and how to do it, since my sisters will be helping me with that the night before.

bah. so much shit to worry about. hooray for anxiety.

Jul. 8th, 2009


oh, i guess jenni had her baby.i guess i shouldn't be suprised that no one called me. that's what i get for being such a shitty friend i guess.

thats pretty sad to me. that makes me hate myself just alittle more than usual. FUCK.

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